Steamed Hams, but its Deep Space Nine
by stormhawk427
Summary: Quark tries to make a new recipe with his bar's replicator. Unfortunately the device begins to malfunction all while Odo looks on growing increasingly suspicious. Quark's solution is the method used by Principal Skinner from The Simpsons. This is basically the "Steamed Hams" scene reenacted on Deep Space Nine except instead of Skinner and Chalmers its Odo and Quark. (One-Shot)


_**Steamed Hams, but it's on Deep Space Nine**_

 **A/N:** I recommend you watch the Steamed Hams video and at least one clip of Deep Space Nine featuring Quark and Odo before reading this. I also realize this is an old meme, but I figured it would work with the Deep Space Nine cast.

The day started out as any other aboard Deep Space Nine. Ships from all over the quadrant delivered their passengers and cargo. Dignitaries gathered in conference rooms and the joint Starfleet/Bajoran crew kept everything running. The station's security chief, Odo, was making his rounds through the station to ensure that any suspicious activity didn't go unnoticed. His first stop: Quark's Bar. The popular establishment hadn't opened yet, but that was when Quark often got up to most of his underhanded shenanigans. Odo used his master pass code to enter and he was immediately greeted by Quark.

"Well Quark, I'm here despite your attempts to lock me out." Odo greeted.

"Constable." Quark replied. "I hope you're prepared to see the new meals our replicator can make."

"Huh." Odo huffed as he crossed his arms.

Quark went to retrieve the food from the replicator, but something was wrong. Nothing had materialized. Quark soon noticed smoke billowing from behind the device's panels.

"Oh egads!" Quark gasped. "The replicator is ruined!" He then though for a moment. "But what if… I was to purchase another vendor's food and pass it off as mine?" The Ferengi chuckled. "Rule of Acquisition 39: Don't tell customers more than they need to know."

He started to climb over the window sill leading out of his bar and onto the promenade when Odo caught him. The Changeling narrowed his eyes.

(Cue catchy jingle music and a bunch of clips featuring Odo and Quark moving right to left)

It's Quark

And his business machinations

Constable Odo's

Gonna need some medication

If he has to put up with Quark's

Transparent explanations

There will be trouble on Deep Space Nine!

"Quark!" Odo bellowed as he eyed the stingy Ferengi trying to vault over the window sill.

"Odo!" he said startled. "I was just stretching my calves on the window here. Isometric exercise, care to join me?"

Odo noticed something wrong with the replicator and pointed toward it. "Why is there smoke coming out of your replicator Quark?"

Quark turned to the malfunctioning device and quickly thought up a cover story. "Uh… that's not smoke that's steam! Steam from the steamed clams I'm making. Yep. Steamed clams."

Odo eyed Quark suspiciously for a moment before walking to another corner of the bar.

Quark gave a sigh of relief before jumping over the bar and running toward the Earth themed restaurant, A Taste of Earth, across the promenade. Quark tried desperately to catch his breath while the waiter eyed him with concern.

"Is there something I can get you?" The waiter asked. Quark finally caught his breath and placed his order. "I need steamed clams."

The waiter raised an eyebrow. "I'm sorry sir. I'm afraid we don't serve steamed clams." Quark looked incredulous. "What?!" He exclaimed. "I thought this place was called Taste of Earth! I hear you hyoo-mons talking about steamed clams all the time!"[Ferengi tend to pronounce "human" as "hyoo-mon"]

The waiter grew annoyed by Quark's whining. "It's just a name sir." He said as politely as possible. "It's false advertising!" Quark countered. "Oh, I don't have time to argue. What do you serve here?" After hearing all the menu options Quark picked something he thought would be simple to make.

"Here you go sir. Anything else?" the waiter asked. "Nope." Quark replied quickly after placing the required Gold Pressed Latinum slips on the counter.

He walked back to his bar via the rear entrance carrying a silver plate with four cheeseburgers surrounded by French fries on top.

"I hope my customers are ready for these hamburgers. I'll never understand hyoo-mon food." Quark said as he put the tray on the bar counter.

Seemingly appearing out of nowhere Odo commented, "I thought you were making steamed clams?"

Quark was startled by Odo's observation and mentally kicked himself for not finding a place that made steamed clams. He responded with the only excuse that came to mind.

"Oh-er slip of the tongue." Quark reassured. "I meant to say steamed… hams. Yes! Steamed hams. That's what Ferengi call hamburgers."

Odo looked incredulous, not that he ever trusted Quark anyway. "The Ferengi call hamburgers steamed hams…"

"Yes!" Quark confirmed. "It's a bit of a loose translation from when my people first met hyoo-mons."

"Uh huh." Odo replied sarcastically. "And when did that happen?"

"When a Ferengi vessel made first contact with the NX-01 Enterprise." Quark answered. "Go ahead try one if you want."

Odo looked puzzled. "I thought the Enterprise D made first contact with the Ferengi."

Quark rolled his eyes "Officially yes. Unofficially it happened decades earlier, but that's beside the point. Now go on, try one!"

"I'll pass thank you." Odo said. "Food and Changeling physiology don't mix."

"Right." Quark remembered.

"However, those burgers look and smell a lot like the ones from that restaurant on the other side of the promenade." Odo observed with an accusatory tone.

"Oh, ho ho no, patented Quark Burgers™. Old Ferengi recipe." Quark assured.

Odo eyed Quark even more suspiciously. "For steamed hams…"

"Yes!" Quark said in perhaps too high of a voice.

Odo picked up one of the burgers and removed the top bun. "Yes, and you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled." The patty had clear grill marks.

Quark began to stammer. "I... well… one thing I should… excuse me."

"Heh." Odo harrumphed.

Quark went behind the bar to find a fire going where the replicator was plugged into the station's power conduits. The blaze had blocked access to the rear storage room where Quark's brother Rom was doing inventory. Quark decided that his more mechanically inclined brother could handle it.

"Well, that was some stimulating conversation Odo." Quark said. "Now don't have some other legitimate businesspeople to pester?"

Odo ignored the insult. "Yes, I should probably check on- my goodness what's going on in there?!" he exclaimed while pointing at the now noticeable fire coming from Quark's replicator.

Indeed, the flames had even started to reach the front of the bar. Quark quickly turned his head from the fire to Odo. Again, the avaricious alien employed a hastily thought out excuse. "The wormhole just opened?"

Odo looked shocked. "The wormhole just opened?" The constable repeated. "At this exact moment, inside Deep Space Nine, in this section of the station, localized entirely within your bar."

Quark shrugged. "Yes!"

"Should I notify Captain Sisko?" Odo inquired.

"No." was the Ferengi's curt reply.

Odo exited Quark's Bar and Quark followed. Both men could hear Rom screaming. "Brother! The bar's on fire!"

Quark cupped his hand next to his mouth and shouted back. "No Rom, it's just the wormhole."

"Well Quark, as strange as this has been, I have other duties to attend to." Odo said as he walked away.

"I'm sure you do." Quark replied.

"Help! Heeelp!" Rom cried.

Odo quickly turned around to see Quark give a forced smile and a thumbs up. The changeling simply grunted as he kept walking toward his office. Quark quickly ran back inside the bar to save his business from burning down.

The End

 **A/N:** So, this was random. Hopefully you found it entertaining.


End file.
